Of Idiots and Sentimental Fanatics: I am alone

Find an escape

Find an escape

There is a loneliness that is felt beyond the deepest places of your person. A loneliness that plays tricks on your mind and leaves you wondering… guessing… imagining… It is a loneliness i have felt for days.

It refuses to leave me. Let me be. Let me dream. Let me live in peace.

Hi, i am Nigel.

I know it has been a while. I have been busy. I got a new job.

Deal with it.

This loneliness i speak of, maybe you have felt it too. It is the sort you feel when surrounded by dozens yet feel for none. The sort where the sight of your words pouring out onto your keyboard appear more fulfilling than the groaning of lover long lost. It is the sort of loneliness that eats at me.

Everyday.

I feel alone. Weird i should say that. As though there was a marked difference between being lonely and feeling alone. Is there? I believe there is. There should be. I refuse to accept that i alone feel this.

I feel alone. I say it again… for effect.

I feel like too many people to so many people and almost no one to myself. I feel lost within myself and yet find myself come alive upon the prompting of another. I feel like the spoon lying next to the saucer after the stir. I feel like the carrot underneath the snow when snowman comes tumbling. I feel like the illuminated ‘no smoking’ sign when the lights in the plane go off.

Like i said, i feel alone.

It is a feeling long since nurtured within myself. I remember in my undergraduate years as i sat before a lady professing her admiration for my warm heart. She was attempting to counsel me. I felt for her.

I had been forced to speak to someone because of ‘the way i was’.

How was i? I wonder.

Doesn’t matter.

I spoke to her. It felt weird. On one hand, i knew what i was doing to her. She required me to provide commentary on her seeming random questions. Once i obliged, she will light up like the daughter of the morning sun and propose further lines of argument to which i will be expected to provide some more commentary. This, i believed, was to cause an illumination of my true purpose thereby set me on the path of eternal enlightenment.

Or some other rubbish hocus pocus like that.

Being alone sucks... a whole lot

Being alone sucks… a whole lot

On the other hand, i badly needed someone to get to the bottom of my unending desire to be accepted as i was. Every soul knew me differently. Same name though, but just different.  I spoke in measured tones to some and in loud and cheering voice to others. I slapped some on the back and gently caressed the hands of others. I ate like a king around some and yet scrambled for crumbs with others.

How was i going to explain this to her without coming across like a complete loon?

So i did not.

I sought in her questions prompts and studied her with caution for visual cues. I paid closer attention to her mannerisms than the spirit of what she spoke. i gave here the answers she sought and she gave me the all-clear i required.

The thing is from time to time i connect with individuals who get to the heart of me. It did not happen with her. I think i have spent too much time trying to get to know people and being what they want me to be to the point that i have forgotten the joy of being me.

Scratch that. I have forgotten how to be me. Whether there was ever a me, i am not sure.

Yet, i remember how years long gone i will find delight in the thought of waking up alone in a home far away. Removed from the craziness of the day and engulfed by the richness of the now. I dreamt of the day when my silence in the art of the spoken will not be a hindrance to the revelations from my written ones.

Rubbish.

No one gets that bag of tosh. No one wants to be with someone whose dream of a life is that of a wandering hermit. No one wants a life with anyone with that sort of life. So now i dream of my life and live out that of another.

Like i said, I feel alone.

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Of Idiots and Sentimental Fanatics: Introduction

Go home and listen to Nina Simone

Go home and listen to Nina Simone

I am Nigel.

I live a complicated life. It is grouped according to specific classifications and codes to guide my decision making. I will be a very miserable old man if i end up with alzheimer’s. However, i love life and live it fully; often a little over the top. Like the time i decided it was a good idea to have my pictures taken while i sat naked in the tub after a Playstation gaming marathon.

I get worried for my children when i do these things.

I have decided to share my story with you because quite frankly i need to tell someone. I need to spill it all. I have been a terrible person to some and a complete sweetheart to others. However it is the lives of the people in mine that will intrigue you.

They have the most intriguing stories.

Some are complete idiots. Like, IDIOTIC, in the proper and actual sense of the word. Some of absolute sweethearts. Others are bugs that must be squashed for eternity and have their body’s cut up in pieces and spread across the world.

Sorry about that. I hate those people.

I have siblings. I struggle to understand them. Heck i am still trying to understand myself so don’t judge. There is a younger brother by name Kelvin and an older sister called Trisha. I think Kelvin is gay but i have no evidence. My parents will freak out if he comes out. My sister is a terrorist. Not like the suicide ones though. She is hell on earth in the sibling sort of way. You know those ones right.

I am sure you have one of your own.

My parents are truly conservative. They are the church-every-Sunday-morning, midweek-service, no smoking or sex or kissing or anything else before marriage- kind. I have caught them having sex before though but then again, they are married so fair game. We seldom have anything to talk about and yet we seem to find things to say to each other.

It gets weird… a lot.

I have only a few friends. Even they, wonder what the heck is wrong with me a lot of the time. They say i am the life of the party. I don’t see it. I mean, what is the point of going to a party and standing in the shadows with a drink in hand. Are you a shadow? And please don’t give me that different people have different personalities nonsense. That is just rubbish. IT IS A PARTY! If you do not grasp the fundamental concept of what that event is all about, you are not supposed to be there.

Go home, take a shower, and listen to Nina Simone.

I have no idea what i want to do with my life. I initially wanted to be a musician. I could sing. I realised soon enough that what i did was not singing. Then came the lawyer phase. If that is what i wanted to do with my life, everything i did was anti that dream. I soon realised that sticking with computers was my only route. I love the damn things and they seem easy enough to do so why the heck not.

I work in a computer shop with a fatso for a boss. His name is Mike.

I have been in several relationships. When i say several, i mean six (i think). They have all ended the same way.

“Grow up”.

That is what i am doing now.

Whirlwinds of Emotion

The innocence of a suckling child

The emotional innocence of a suckling child

There is a joy beyond the smile

A happiness beyond the cheer

A peace beyond the silence

A pleasure beyond the moan

Unexplained, yet understood

Elusive, yet ever present.

It swells from a gulf of deep-seated denial

Erupts from a place deeper than your core

Bursts through a barrier of suppressed sentiment

It consumes you.

Wholly, Completely, Fully.

Your fingers tremble as it surges through you

Your thoughts lose all sense of composure

Your head swims in an ocean of delirium

Your lips part way for the soundless cry of anguish

You are caught;

caught in a whirlwind of emotion.

#Escape

Thye devil is in the detail

Thye devil is in the detail

They consume the dimly lit corners of your life;

hoods up.

Stares as cold as icicles, glares that pierce.

You shudder as you walk past

They sneer at you.

You wonder and ponder, often concluding

You question yourself, your being, your person

Why do they stare?

Why does it linger?

Why do they not look away?

They intimidate you,

confine you to a space; escape is impractical

You are intimidated.

You acquaint yourself with the symmetry of the paved road

You take solace in its silent, dark, stable, motionless self.

You seek acceptance in its presence

You seek liberation.

The nitrogen oxide-filled, cyanide-containing smoke escapes from the under the hood

Teeth flash, feet shuffle and the silent night is disrupted by the boom of a laugh

You miss a step, almost falling.

They shared a joke, you didn’t get it.

They stand huddled in a group

your every move brings them closer

You yearn for the sight of the pavement

You yearn to be free

The chill from the steel of the lamppost fills your senses

Its light, dim as it may be, shines brighter than the sun

A glance over your shoulder you will not risk

Your sanity depends on it.

Saving Rhydyfelin Library

When a public library is threatened with closure, a community in the Welsh town of Pontypridd rise up to fight for what is theirs. Saving Rhydyfelin Library chronicles the story of how a community can join hands to fight for what they believe in.

A current affairs film i helped shoot and edit.

One of my proudest moments as a student.